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Discussion Starter #1
Little Johnny Is At It Again" A third grade teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly said. "My family went to the New York City Zoo and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate". Sally raised! her hand. She said, "My family went to the Statue of Liberty and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I want the word 'fascinate.'" Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him. Johnny sai! d, "My sister has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big, she can only fasten eight." The teacher fainted..........!!!
 

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Discussion Starter #2
The Audubon Zoo in New Orleans had acquired a very rare species of gorilla
> and named her LULU. Within a few
> weeks, she became amorous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the
> park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make
> matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
> While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed their
> best employee, Boudreaux, working near her cage. Boudreaux, like most
> Cajuns, often bragged about how he could satisfy any female of ANY
species.
>
> So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Boudreaux
> was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with
the
> gorilla for $500?
> Boudreaux scratched his head, looked at LULU and said he would have to
> think
> about it.
> The following day, Boudreaux said that he would accept their offer, but
> only
> under three conditions.
> "Firse," he said, "I ain't gonna have to kiss her" "Second...you cain't be
> tellin' nobody 'bout dis."
> The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions and asked what
> was his third condition.
> "Well da tird ting," said Boudreaux, "You gotta give me another week to
> come
> up with the $500."
 

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Another Dirty Johnny ...

Miss Jones is discussing the word "beautiful" with her class. She asks for examples of the word "beautiful" being used twice in the same sentence.

Little Bobby raises his hand and is called upon. "My mother has beautiful blonde hair and is a beautiful woman" he says.

"Very Good Bobby" Miss Jones states.

Susie raises here hand and Miss Jones asks her to give an example. "My beautiful dress has beautiful flowers on it."

"Excellent!" exclaims Miss Jones.

Dirty Johnny, waving his hand impatiently, is the only student to have an example left. Reluctantly Miss Jones calls on him, "Yes Johhnny?"

"Last night we were sitting at the dining room table, and my sister explained she was pregnant. My dad said ... beautiful, just fu**ing beautiful."

:lol:
 

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this women goes to the doctor as she wants to have her breast enlarged. The doctor prescribes some cream that she is to apply to her breast every night for 2 weeks and this will give her the results she is looking for.....so one night there she is rubbing the cream on her breast and her husband walks into the bedroom and asks, "what are you doing???" Well, she explains, that she wants to enlarge her breasts and that the doctor prescribed this cream.....he responds "Cream" why don't you simply use toilet paper. "Toilet paper??, she reponds inquisitively..."why toilet paper?" He reponds while you have been using on your ass for years and look at the size of it!!!! :unsure:
 

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Three men go hunting in the woods. There is an American, Canadian, and a Polishman.

The Canadian goes out and comes back to camp a few hours later carrying a squirrel. The other two men say "Wow, how did you do it?" So the Canadian replies "Find tracks, follow tracks, kill squirrel"

The next day the American goes out and comes back to camp dragging a bear. The two other men say"Wow how did you do it? So the American replies "Find track, follow tracks, kill bear".

The following day, the Polishman goes out. Days pass by and there is no sign of him. Finally, a few days later, he comes stumbling into camp all bruised up and his clothes torn. The two men say "Wow, what the hell happened to you?" And the Polishman replies "Find tracks, follow tracks, get hit by train"
 

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How do you clear an Iraqi bingo hall. Call B 52 Little Johnny came home from school the other day and called for his mom. Well when he walked down the hall to his room he saw her lying on the bed naked rubbing herself and saying I NEED A MAN. The next day the same thing, she was lying on the bed rubbing herself and saying I NEED A MAN. The next day he came home and she was in her room but this time SHE HAD A MAN. So little Johnny ran to his room ripped off all his clothes and a
started rubbing himself and started saying I NEED A BIKE.
 

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Three contractors die at the sametime one black guy one irish guy and one italian guy and they go meet saint peter at the pearly gates and st peter says, finally 3 contractors at once. We have been waiting for this because we need three prices on fixing the fence along the pearly gate, he asked would you be willing to give an estimate. They all agreed. First was the black guy. He says, St peter I could fix it for $600, so peter asked could you break that down. Sure, $200 for the cement, $200 for the brick and $200 for labor. Next was the irish guy and he says $1500. Wow St peter says, could you break that down. $500 for the cement $500 for the brick and $500 for the labor. Then came the italian guy. He says, Wellla St Peter I'll tell you a what , I've got to get a $2600. St peter says $2600, thats seems a little high could you break that down. Sure a St peter, $1000 for a you $1000 for a me and for $600 wellla get the black guy to do it.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving
a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets
President Bush. They shake hands and as they walk the
Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question about
what I have seen in America."

President Bush says "Well your Excellency, anything I
can do to help you, I will do."

The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show 'StarTrek'
and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians,
but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't
understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."

President Bush laughs and leans toward the Saudi, and
>whispers back, "It's because it takes place in the
>future...." :lol: :p
 

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Elderly Sex

Two 90-year-olds had been dating for some time, when the man told the woman, "I think it's time we had sex, don't you agree?" The old woman agrees and the two make love that afternoon. Afterward, as they are lying in bed, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I had known that she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle!"
Meanwhile, the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I had known that the old geezer could really get it up, I would have taken off my pantyhose."

:lol:
 

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Blondes are going to church now in hordes, because there's a dude inside hung like this! (now mimic being hung on a cross...)
 

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my grandad finally tried Viagra, the trouble is he could not swallow it, it got stock in his throat and gave him a STIFF neck for about 3 days!!!!!!!!!! :D
 

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A young man, a current welfare recipient, walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job."

The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes, and the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays trips. The salary package is $200,000 a year."

The guy said, "You're bullshitting me man!"

The man behind the counter said, "Well, you started it!"
 

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Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his
eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of
water on the side table. He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him,
all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in
perfect order, spotless, clean.
So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the
table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love
you." So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast
and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke
some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you
stumbled into the door."

Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm
married'!"
 

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Discussion Starter #17
APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:

I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest authority in my life for the following period:
Time of return
Date: Time of departure: NOT to exceed:

Should permission be granted, I do solemnly swear to only visit the locations stated below, at the stated times. I agree to refrain from hitting on or flirting with other women. I shall not even speak to another female, except as expressly permitted in writing below. I will not turn off my mobile after two pints, nor shall I consume above the allowed volume of alcohol without first phoning for a taxi AND calling you for a verbal waiver of said alcohol allowance. I understand that even if permission is granted to go out, my girlfriend/fiancé/wife retains the right to be pissed off with me the following week for no valid reason whatsoever.


Amount of alcohol allowed (units) Beer Wine Liquor Total

Locations to be visited



Females with whom conversation
is permitted

IMPORTANT - STRIPPER CLAUSE: Notwithstanding the female contact permitted above, I promise to refrain from coming within one hundred (100) feet of a stripper or exotic dancer. Violation of this Stripper Clause shall be grounds for immediate termination of the relationship.

I acknowledge my position in life. I know who wears the trousers in our relationship, and I agree it’s not me. I promise to abide by your rules & regulations. I understand that this is going to cost me a fortune in chocolates & flowers. You reserve the right to obtain and use my credit cards whenever you wish to do so. I hereby promise to take you to a Michael Bolton concert, should I not return home by the approved time. On my way home, I will not pick a fight with any stranger, nor shall I conduct in depth discussions with the said entity. Upon my return home, I promise not to urinate anywhere other than in the toilet. In addition, I will refrain from waking you up, breathing my vile breath in your face, and attempting to breed like a (drunken) rabbit.

I declare that to the best of my knowledge (of which I have none compared to my BETTER half), the above information is correct.
Signed - Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:


Request is: APPROVED DENIED

This decision is not negotiable. If approved, cut permission slip below and carry at all times.
"……………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Permission for my boyfriend/fiancé/husband to be away for the following period of time:
Date: Time of departure: Time of return:

Signed - Girlfriend/Fiancé/Wife:
 

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did you hear about the war between Nova Scotia and Newfoundland?
it was a pretty short war, the Newfies would throw granades over to nova scotia and the nova scotians would pull the pins and throw them back, the end
 

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Marine vs Iraqis


A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune.

"One United States Marine is better than ten Iraqis!"

The Iraqi commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun battle breaks and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out "One United States Marine is better than one hundred Iraqis!"

Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge firefight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The American voice calls out again "One United States Marine is better than one thousand Iraqis!"

The enraged Iraqi Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.

Eventually one wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander,"Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There's two of them!"
 
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