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Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them? A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it befound? A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ...'
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband? A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly - wrinkles? A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face? A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking? A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage? A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly? A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses? A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores? A: 'Gosh, I remember these.

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I was traveling between home and work when a tire blew out.
Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat.
My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.
The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, "Need a lift?"
"Yes, I sure do," I replied.
"You a Republican or Democrat," asked the old man.
"Republican," I replied.
"Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off.
Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question.
Again, I gave the same answer, "Republican."
The driver gave me the finger and drove off.
I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Republicans.
The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde.
She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Republican or Democrat.
"Democrat!", I shouted.
"Hop in!", replied the blonde.
Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.
Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car."
She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out.
"What's the matter?", she asked.
"I can't take it anymore," I replied. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody."
 

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Keep this in mind when it comes time to vote-----------
While walking down the street one day, a US senator is tragically hit by a
truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there
is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so
we're not sure what to do with you.'
No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have
you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to
spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.
I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, and he goes down,
down, down to hell. The doors open, and he finds himself in the middle of a
green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of
it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake
his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at
the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf, and then dine on lobster, caviar, and
champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good
time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that
before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door r eopens in heaven where St.
Peter is waiting for him
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving
from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time,
and before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and
St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose
your eternity.'
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers, 'Well, I would never
have said it before; I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would
be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, and he goes down, down, down
to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open, and he's in the middle of a
barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting
it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
I d-don't under-st-stand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here,
and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar,
drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just awasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable.
What happened?!'
The devil looks at him, smiles, and says, 'Yesterday we were
campaigning...... Today you voted!'
 

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Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,
because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
 

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Older people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this "first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep none of us could get that jar open.

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Degrees of Blonde

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment, and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up. The husband said, 'Who was that?'

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'
So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me ... I know 'em all.'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy. Its W.'

FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.'

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND COP!
 

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Redheads rock

Barack Obama was looking for a call girl. He found three such girls in a local pub, A blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

To the blonde he said, 'I am the President of the United States. How much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'
She replied, '$200'. To the brunette he said, 'I am the President of the United States. How much would it cost me to spend some time with you?' She replied, '$100'.

He then asked the redhead. Her reply was, 'Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, My pants down as low as my wages, get as hard as the times we are living in and keep it rising like the price of gas, keep me warmer than it is in my apartment, And screw me the way you have the retirees, Then it isn't going to cost you a damn cent!'

***************************************************************************************************************

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

My wife called him a s**t-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age...
 

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How fights get started

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...
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I asked my wife,
'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!'
she said.
So I suggested,
'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started...
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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said,
'Do you want to have $ex?'
'No,'
she answered.
I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying
'Yes.'
So I said,
'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started...

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I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first...
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said,
'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started...

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My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked,
'What's on TV?'
I said,
'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said,
'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale..
And then the fight started...
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her,
'Do you know him?'
'Yes,'
she sighed,
'He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!'
I said,
'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...

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I rear-ended a car this morning.... So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said,
'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...

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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf... Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors... I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said,
'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'
And then, well.....The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
 

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A man is sitting in the restaurant at the lunch counter.

He notices an older couple sitting at the same counter.

He is eating a plate of food, she is just staring wistfully at him.

He finally gets so concerned that he orders the woman a plate of food also.

When it arrives, she still won't eat it and continues watching her husband eat.

So, he walks over to her and explains that she should just go ahead and eat what he sent to her.

She says, I can't. He's still using our teeth.
 

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Golf Story


A father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story, and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa".

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?" The little girl said,
"I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy. And good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in, and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight, he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee,
looking at his watch, and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it. I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day. You'll never believe what happened to me... this morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!
 

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For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza .

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL .

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."



Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILE

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.


CHILE # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILE

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides
pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chile. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.



CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chile with almost no spice.
Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chile.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ..just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chile an aphrodisiac?


CHILE # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chile. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chile using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chile had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.


CHILE # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chile.
Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.
Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt
with a snow cone.

CHILE # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chile with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chile peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chile, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILE # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILE Judge # 1 -- The perfect
ending, this is a nice blend chile. Not too bold but spicy enough to
declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chile.
Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chile pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor
feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chile?

Judge # 3 - No Report.
 

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Are my testicles black?

Hank is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles,

she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown,

holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says,

"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful.

Now listen to me very, very closely: "Are – my – test – results - back....!"
 

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We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove\ it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second.. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad always had those pieces of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

Damn!, I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die.... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created..

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire..

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot
long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???)..

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow
 

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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one-by-one began to tell their stories.
"Johnny, do you have a story to share?", the teacher asked.
"Yes ma'am," Johnny replied. "My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Nancy.
She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.
"She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
"She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of 20 enemy troops. She shot 15 of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed 4 more with the knife till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."


"Good heavens," cried the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your Daddy give you from this story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Nancy when she's drinking."
 

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random observations:

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe, before you start looking like a mental patient.

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My 55 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 195 lbs. I've gained.

I'm getting kind of tired always slowly raising my hand when someone asks, "Who does something like that?!?"

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?

Four-time NASCAR Sprint Cup champion Jeff Gordon announced that this will be his final season of racing. You could tell it was time for him to retire during his last race when he had his blinker on the whole time.

The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the s*** storm that's coming.

Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.' .....If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday... your life sucks!

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need.....not all this, "how did you get in my house" business!

The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today....Pretty sure she's going to get me something.

On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week;
whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. ...This is upsetting news to me............ I had no idea I was Japanese.

I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."

I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their nose?

When I die I want to be reincarnated as a spider. Just so I can finally hear a women say "Oh my God, it's huge!
 

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The semi driver stops at a roadside bar to get something to eat.

He notices a long line of Harley chopper style bikes parked outside.

He goes in and sits down at the bar. Orders a burger and a beer.

He notices a large group of Hell's Angels sitting at several tables nearby. The leader of the group approaches him and starts making fun of him and tries to pick a fight.

The trucker finishes his burger, downs his beer and walks out without a word. They hear his big truck start up and drive away.

The bully says to the bartender, NOT MUCH OF A MAN!

Bartender says, NOT MUCH OF A DRIVER EITHER. He just ran over that whole row of bikes.
 

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A statue of a naked woman and a naked man stand in a park at night. Suddenly from out of nowhere, a magical genie arrives and grants the statues each one wish to be fulfilled. Both the female and male statues agree on 15 minutes as a real man and woman in the bushes behind them to "get things done." The genie gives a knowing grin and grants the wish. The man and woman immediately jump behind the bushes and screaming sounds and laughter can be heard from their activities. 12 minutes later they return to the front of the bush again claiming they are finished. "Well now, that was kinda quick!" the genie says. "You can do it a second time for the remaining 3 minutes if you want," the genie tells them, winking his eye. Both the female and male look at each other and smile. The man says to the woman, "Okay great, but this time you get to hold the pigeon so I can shit on him!"
 

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A man with his pet dog walk into the local sportsbar , and seeing that Detroit Lions are playing, take a couple barstools to watch the game on the bigscreen. Bartender comes over and says "No dogs in here,buddy!". The man replies," but my dog is a really polite dog, and just LOVES watching the Lions." Bartender reluctently let's them stay, but tells the man if the dog does ANYTHING disruptive, he's gone.
Minutes into the game, Lions score a Fieldgoal, and the dog climbs up on the bar and jumps up on his 2 back legs and bounces back and forth, then sits back down. Bartender saw this and thought- "wow, the dog knows the game". Next quarter, the Lions score a touchdown, and the dog jumps up on the bar again but this time does a back flip on the bar and then sits back down. Bartender sees this and approaches the dog's owner an says "Ya' know buddy, your dog impresses me with his enthusiasm towards the Lions- they score a fieldgoal and he dances,,, Lions score a touchdown and he does a back flip! So what's he do when the Lions wins?" The dog owner replies," I don't know as I have only owned the dog for 5 years".
 

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2 guys are at one of those hoity-toity parties, and though quite well-off, are clearly out of their element, being the "regular guys" they are. As they are standing near each other, one decides to make conversation to hide his discomfort and asks the other, "Know any good tax shelters?" "Yeah, I do, how much are you looking to hide?" asks the other. "Probably about 1.5M," says the first. "Holy crap," says the second, "What the hell did you make last year, if I may ask." "About 2.9M" says the first. "Wow, that's impressive" says the second, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a plumber," declares the first, with pride. "A PLUMBER!!!??" exclaims the second, "HELL, I MADE ONLY 1.8M LAST YEAR, AND I'M A NEUROSURGEON!!!!" The first sniffs and says, "Yeah, that's just about all I ever made as a neurosurgeon."
 
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