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More covid humor

Social DistancingRecord


Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.


I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe


I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.


Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom


Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job


I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone


·This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot


So, after this quarantine.....will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?


·Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business


My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet


·Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat


·I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?


I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to PuertoBackyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom


· Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended
 

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A little boy going to school brought his cat with him. Teacher asks him “why did you bring your cat to school?”

The little boy replies, “Well, I heard my daddy telling mommy when the kids leave I’m gonna eat that pu**y up.”
 

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A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde are sitting around talking about their kids. The brunette says, “I found cigarettes in my daughter’s room, and I didn’t know she smoked.” The redhead replies, “I found liquor in my daughter’s room, and I didn’t know she drank.” The blonde chuckles and says, “That’s nothing. I found condoms in my daughter’s room, and I didn’t know she had a d**k!”
 

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A gynecologist was getting sick of her job and decided that she needed a career change. She’d always enjoyed tinkering with engines so thought she’d become a mechanic.
So she went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it – obviously back into perfect working order.
So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result.
The day she received the results she got quite a surprise, she got 150%!
She quickly called the instructor and asked about her score.
The instructor said “no no that’s right.
First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine – – a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it – a fantastic job really, and then I gave you the extra 50% for doing it all through the muffler.
 

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A guy joined a nudist camp and when he told his mom she didn’t believe him. So he sent her a picture of his top half. A week later his grandma wanted a picture but he accidently sent the bottom half. Knowing she had bad eyesight, he didn’t think much of it. A week later his grandma wrote a letter saying, that she didn’t like his haircut, because it made his nose look too big.
 
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