A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"
A blonde is driving down a country road and see's another blonde in the middle of a field rowing a boat. The blonde stops her car and yells, "hey what are you doing trying to row a boat in the middle of a field?" She yells again "It's blondes like you that give all blondes a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and kick your ass!"
Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night, celebrating St Patrick’s Day.
Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’.
Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
‘Damn’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, ‘oh bloody damn!’
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
‘Be-Jesus… I’m in bloody trouble,’ he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says ‘No bloody way....’
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed’. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ‘damn it’ and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’
Paddy says, ‘I did, Jess. I was bloody pissed. But how did you know?’
‘Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.’
A woman was speeding down the highway late for work and gets pulled over by a cop. He takes her info and asks,whats the hurry? She says im late for work,he asked what do you do? She says im an asshole stretcher! He asked how does that work? She says well I take an asshole and stretch it,and stretch it till it's about 6 feet tall. He asked what do you do with a 6 ft asshole? She says give them a radar gun and badge and put them on the side of the road.
A little boy and his mom are in line at a bank a few weeks before Christmas. The little boy is running around and misbehaving. The mom tells the little boy to get back in line beside her and behave or she is telling Santa he's been a bad boy. The little boy replies go ahead and tell Santa and I'll tell Grandma you had daddy's pee pee in your mouth last night....... The mom grabs the little boy and quickly exits the bank.......... :shocked:
A Hillbilly takes his daughter to the Dr. to get her on birth control. The Dr. says, "So tell me sir, is your daughter sexually active"? The Hillbilly replies " Nope, she jus lays there like her mama".
About 10 years ago I'm sitting at the North Adventure Inn bar in Cochrane Ontario. There's an old local sitting at the bar so I ask him, "have there been any Sasquatch sitings around here?" He says, "Sasquatch?" I said "ya, you know there big, dark, hairy and they stink." Old guy says, "Oh , you mean squaw snatch."
Little boy and his dad are walking thru the drug store the little boy sees a display of condoms and asks his dad what those for??? The dad replies those are for having safe sex. The little boy points and says that one has 2 in a pack who are they for, the dad says those are for high school boys, one for Friday and one for Saturday..Cool... Then he points at a pack that has six in it and asks who are those for??? dad replies college boys, 2 for Friday 2 for Saturday and 2 for Sunday..... Cool..... Well this pack has twelve in it who are those for????
Dad - - married guys one for January, one for February, one for March,,,,........ :wall:
Two bulls were brought to a new ranch, a young bull and an old bull. The bulls are let out to pasture but first have to go over the top of a large hill to reach the grazing valley. The young bull trots to the top of the hill, eventually the old bull comes meandering up. Looking down into the valley the bulls see a herd of heifers. The excitement begins to grow in the young bull and her burst out "Come on we gotta hurry down there and screw one of those heifers." The old bull is still catching his breath and looks at the young bull in disgust and goes "how about we walk down there and fawk each and everyone of those heifers."
There once was five year old boy who enjoyed playing with his train set. One afternoon, his mother happened to be standing by the door listening to the boy play. She was shocked when she heard him saying,
"All right, all of you son of a bitches who want to get on the train, get on train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to get off the train, get off the train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to change seats, change seats now 'cause the train's getting ready to leave. Whoo whooooo."
The mother was just devastated, so she scolded her son and said to him,
"Now son, I want to go upstairs and take your nap, and when you get up, you can't play with your train set for two hours."
So the boy took his nap and didn't even mention his train set for two hours. After the two hours were up, the boy asked his mom if he could play with his train set again. She said yes, and asked him if he understood why he was punished. He nodded his head yes, and off he went. The mother stood by door to listen to what her son would say. The boy sat down to his train set and calmly said,
"Whoo whoooooo. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get on the train, get on the train. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get off the train, get off the train. And all you son of a bitches who are pissed 'cause the train is two hours late, go talk to the bitch in the kitchen.
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